Call it the Jumbotron seen around the world.
Then came the giggle heard around the world.
But don’t get me wrong. It’s not that those of us smirking are unaware of the devastation this alleged affair will cause two families–that of ex-Astronomer CEO Andy Byron and ex-HR chief Kristin Cabot who were caught canoodling at Coldplay. It’s that we know this pain intimately.
Many of us have been betrayed. Maybe it didn’t happen on a Jumbotron–but the moment we discovered the treachery? That is emblazoned in our memory forever.
So when that CaughtCam moment played out in high-def, in front of 65,000 people, countless women like me (and some men) felt something rare: vindication. Because, let’s be honest: most victims of infidelity never get that kind of Gillette Stadium level proof. You often sense something is off but are left with excuses, gaslighting and gut instincts.
“My ex-husband would’ve swore it wasn’t a big deal—he was just keeping his work wife warm. Not cheating, just chivalry… right?” one woman posted on Instagram.
Add to that the fact that there have been a string of high-profile cases where the hurt women suffered has been minimized–Cassie Ventura in the Sean Combs trial and all the victims in the hubbub surrounding Jeffrey Epstein’s list of perpetrators.
So the memes and messages aren’t sick humor, as many have suggested while urging us to “move on.” They’re actually therapy.
“I think this is a common issue for women and provides a level of validation for those suffering in silence who haven’t had a spotlight on their pain,” said Dr. Jill Manning, a Licensed Marital and Family Therapist who is a betrayal trauma expert. “There is a large ‘Me Too’ moment going on.” Though Manning said men are more likely to be unfaithful, she’s quick to point out it depends on age since, in later stages of life, women cheat more.
I’m a divorce coach so chances are I’ve heard it–or, two divorces later, lived through it–all. While some of my coaching clients never get confirmation of infidelity, there are a myriad of ways others got their Jumbotron moment:
Their child casually mentioned, “Dad hangs out with Peter’s mom a lot.”
She found a country club membership—with the mistress listed as the other member.
He left his phone unlocked in the shower. “Fred” turned out to be the other woman.
A private investigator tracked him straight from a “business trip” to a hotel room rendezvous.
She brought the boyfriend to a family BBQ and word spread.
And my favorite, she discovered receipts for a strip club named, of all things, Die Happy Tonight.
I know from my work with these women (and a few men) that many of their spouses had affairs for years but, even when caught, didn't want a divorce. Why? They want the picture-perfect life—with a hidden folder–and feel like they’re entitled to it. A 2011 study in Psychological Science found when individuals, regardless of gender, gain more power they are more confident in their ability to attract partners–which increases the likelihood of infidelity.
“My Jumbotron was my husband’s iPad at 5am going off with a wake up alarm (while trying to clean up our flooded kitchen b/c the waterline broke), so I swiped it off and it opened up to his online dating matches,” wrote another.
CEO Andy Byron resigned from his position at Astronomer then HR leader Kristin Cabot, who of course also bears responsibility, stepped down too. The memes have been brutal–and cathartic for some. SportsCenter’s pundits opening their broadcast recreating the canoodle. The shocked duo careening down Disney’s Splash Mountain. The Phillie Fanatic baseball team mascot caught green handed on their Kiss Cam during a game. Miss Piggy cheating on Kermit with Fozzie.
Humor can be a way to cope.
After 25 years helping victims of betrayal, Dr. Manning calls discovering infidelity like having our life torpedoed. “National and international studies show us that 69 to 71 percent who discover their partner is sexually unfaithful will meet the criteria of post-traumatic stress disorder,” she said. “This isn’t just about hurt feelings. It’s really serious.”
She said the first stage of betrayal trauma recovery is safety–making sure you are eating, sleeping, showering–since this is a profound destabilization in your life. “Betrayal trauma is not a sickness,” she emphasized. “It is an injury to our nervous system.” The second stage is processing and grieving and the third stage is moving forward. A new study found that 83 percent of betrayed female partners were left realizing they no longer recognized their partners’ true identity, further evidence that infidelity rocks the very foundation of victims’ reality.
The good news in Coldplaygate? Yes, there are some.
“It gives me some hope that in a culture that often romanticizes infidelity there is something going on here where people are viscerally reacting,” she said. “It tells me that collectively as a society that fidelity and integrity still matter. This incident violates the golden rule–nobody wants to be treated that way. So, in a strange way, that’s encouraging.”