All they want for Christmas is to escape from their spouse. That’s what a growing number of women are telling me this holiday season.
I’m a divorce coach who guides clients to get their groundwork in place, protect themselves and strategize to get what they want. I learned these lessons the painful way, making mistakes during two splits myself. So I am a big believer that women must drive their divorce bus–and plan in silence.
How do you maintain a “Silent Night” through the holidays when frustration and resentment are brewing in secret? It’s not easy. I’ve been there.
When my ex and I were trying to work things out, on our fourth marriage counselor, we still celebrated the festive stretch together. But inside I knew I was done. When we disagreed on how much to spend on the kids, I looked away. When I lost the battle over what we’d eat for our Christmas meal–he wanted steak, I wanted ham–I plastered on a smile. At one point, when he made a snarky comment about a baseball gift for my son, I ran into the bathroom and screamed into the hand towel to stay centered.
So, it’s not “the most wonderful time of the year” for everyone. Those contemplating a breakup often plan to take action in the new year, which means–whether you celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah or Kwanza–you’ve got to battle through December first. The reasons for waiting to file after the ball drops include: financial considerations like taxes and year-end bonuses, maintaining the status quo for the kids, keeping up the appearance of a happy family during winter celebrations and the psychological “clean slate” that January brings.
Even though January has a reputation as “Divorce Month,” a 2016 study by the University of Washington affirms what I see too: many start seriously thinking about divorce after the new year but by the time they formally file it’s often more like March.
I work with coaching clients to create strategies that get them through the seasonal madness–by burying the pain and staying laser-focused on their goal: freedom.
Plan in Secret
No, you are not being manipulative if you don’t share your uncoupling plans right away. You’re being strategic. I cannot tell you how many women I have coached–from across the country–who came to me after they let their real agenda slip and boy do they regret it. In some cases, giving a partner a heads up allows them to hide money, move other assets and create a narrative about you (as a spouse and/or parent) giving themselves the edge without you even realizing it.
Keep Your Cool
Little things like your partner leaving dirty socks on the floor or dishes in the sink might annoy you more than ever before a divorce, but your spouse could be deliberately trying to trigger you. Chances are they are feeling upset too and can pick a fight to make you the bad guy. Don’t take the bait. Walk away from arguments and let things slide that you normally wouldn’t–because engaging could backfire.
Create Mini-Escapes
Even half an hour to get wrapping paper at the drug store or gas up the car can be helpful. Create tiny breathers so you have some time alone to decompress. I have some of my clients write a letter to themselves in the notes on their phone and read it if they’re about to lose it. Others like to do a quick meditation. Or, listening to your favorite songs can have a calming effect.
Educate Yourself
One of the biggest things that fuels frustration during this time is the feeling of helplessness–being stuck in a horrible situation you can’t wait to leave. So, by taking little steps in the right direction to educate yourself and form your team, you don’t just become smarter but feel more in control. I have a video course called “Divorce Decoded” and clients will tell me they watched a 10-minute module while on a Starbucks escape from the house–and it made them feel better.
Focus on Loved Ones
If you have kids, you know the holidays are a magical time for them. Keep it that way. By focusing on them or other loved ones, you take the attention off your soon-to-be-ex. If your partner annoys you, tell yourself, “This is all about the kids. Focus on the kids.” like a vow you cannot break. Believe me, you’ll have to revisit this mantra later on while co-parenting with your ex post divorce.
Now, a glimpse of the peace that’s coming. If you’re even just a little bit sad about your family’s holiday never quite being the same again, there’s something you should know. Single moms (and dads) have a chance to create fun, unforgettable traditions with their kids. My son Max and I have ditched the old holiday rulebook sometimes–spending Christmas at a Celtics game or Thanksgiving in New York City at the parade–that we never could have done otherwise. He’s 17 now but for years referred to our special trips as “Max and Mom Adventures.”
With some planning, trust and patience, you will get through the holidays and could end up singing a different tune in the new year: “Joy to the World” - I made it out!
My Proactive Playbook for Divorce was created for this exact moment. It gives women a private, strategic way to get clear, protect themselves, and prepare—without rushing or revealing their plan. When you purchase the $37 Playbook, you also receive $250 off my full Divorce Decoded course, which walks you through every stage of divorce with on-demand video guidance. Many women tell me the greatest relief is being able to learn quietly while they decide what comes next. (Learn more about what’s in Divorce Decoded here.)
Because knowledge isn’t just power. It’s peace.