“That guy over there is looking at you,” my son, Max, said while we were eating brunch out one Sunday.
“Who?” I asked, rolling my eyes as my 17-year-old jabbed his finger toward the table next to us.
I seriously don’t even notice when men check me out anymore—nor do I care. “I think I’m going to start wearing a T-shirt that says ‘I’m Married to My Cat,’” I joked. “Or maybe just ‘Leave Me Alone!’”
Don’t get me wrong; I used to be a hopeless romantic who watched rom-coms, believed love conquers all and dreamed of having a Norman Rockwell family. But it just didn’t turn out that way. After two divorces, I’m not on the hunt for husband No. 3.
In fact, I’m madly in love with a woman—me.
It took me a while to get here, though. After my second divorce, I naively believed I should “get back out there.” But after years of miserable dates, I realized that life was fine on my own. In fact, it was good—I mean really good.
Now, I’m dedicating my life to helping women create divorce strategies, which can include gathering financial information, determining the appropriate legal process, hiring the right attorney and navigating co-parenting. When women become the CEO of their own divorces, they feel more in control, and they have a better chance of getting what they want.
A couple weeks ago, I posted a Spirit Halloween costume mockup of the “Staying Single Woman” on Instagram, and she went viral. She was me. The overwhelming response I got—mostly positive, with a few male haters—proved to me that singledom is becoming, if not aspirational, at least celebrated, for so many women. Research backs this idea up: The Pew Research Center’s 2023 survey of more than 5,000 U.S. adults reveals almost half of women (48%) said marriage isn’t essential to a fulfilling life. Only 39% of men agreed. This was a significant increase from 2019, up from 31% (women) and 28% (men).
But choosing singlehood isn’t about hating partnership. It’s about loving yourself. Here are five reasons more women like me are staying solo:
After I help my coaching clients extricate themselves from a marriage they’re unhappy in—and sometimes a divorce court nightmare—they almost always tell me about how peaceful their lives have become. No more planning their lives around keeping someone else happy. No more putting their career goals or personal dreams on the back burner.
And they’re determined to hold onto that peace.
“I choose to stay single because in order for a partner to add something to my life they would have to truly add to my life,” one woman told me. “I’ve found my peace and I’m not interested in bringing drama into my world.”
Many of the women I work with have careers and need a partner who’s going to pitch in, not a husband who expects us to be June Cleaver, Betty Crocker and Martha Stewart rolled in one. And they want someone who can take care of themselves. One divorced friend told me she turned down a date from someone after learning he still lived with his mom, because she was worried she’d have to do everything for him—and that sounded like a nightmare.
Gone are the days when women needed a man to get a bank account. We are able to survive on our own, so it makes sense that fewer of us are willing to settle just to pay the bills or live a certain lifestyle.
More women are educating themselves about toxic relationships and sharing their experiences on social media to warn others. Collectively, we are all becoming more discerning.
“After ten years of being single and chaos dating the wrong men, I can finally recognize the red flags and run,” Divorce Diaries comedian Michele Traina told me. Today, she’s in a healthy relationship—because she learned to look for the green flags that signal maturity and commitment. But I’ve definitely noticed more women opting out of relationships because they can tell they’re not going to work out long-term.
I grew up reading romances and watching sappy movies where happiness was defined by a couple riding off in the sunset. But that’s not how I define it anymore—and neither do lots of the women I come across in my work.
We’ve de-centered men and still lead productive, happy and satisfying lives filled with friends, travel, pets and hobbies.
As for my future? I used to say I’d hook any man I dated up to a lie detector, like Robert De Niro’s character did to Ben Stiller’s in Meet the Parents. But I’ve softened. I’ll never say never. But for now, I’ve traded the fairy tale for freedom—and it turns out, that’s its own kind of love story.
Amy Polacko is a divorce coach, journalist and single mom who lives in Connecticut. She is the co-author of the book FRAMED: Women in the Family Court Underworld. Her coaching practice is called “Freedom Warrior” and you can connect with her on Instagram.